"Millions of Peaches, Peaches for me."

There's only one Peaches for me. I'll miss you Peaches. You were one of the funniest, kindest, weirdest guys I knew. It really wasn't your time.

I hope that you're enjoying that big foam party in the sky.

"I'll have a blue Christmas without you."

I have no idea whether it is just because I'm noticing it more or what, but it seems that this holiday season is full of very, bitter websites. I look at them as an early, angsty Christmas present.

Dear Old Love: Thanks to Lindsay for finding it. I'm also contributing to it. See if you can find you.

Also, the lovely revenge filled Ex Boyfriend Jewelry. Pick something up for your new love from someone's old love.

All I asked for this year was for Paco to put back the tidbit on the "Schindler's List" trivia page that claimed Alan Thicke was Steven Speilberg's first choice for the role of Oscar Schindler. Either that or add "slapstick genocide" as a genre. Sure he'd lose his job, but this is important.

"I see you lying next to me, with words I thought I'd never speak, awake and unafraid."

Wow, it's been awhile, but life has been busy. I feel like the weekends go by so fast and I'm so drained from work on the weekdays that I have no time for myself, which is a lie. I have plenty of time, I just am exhausted. Anywho...

Last weekend I was supposed to head down to San Diego to see my beloved panda friends. However, due to some miscommunication with the film crew I did not find my keys which were buried in a bowl of candy. I would have been so pissed if the homeless folk that collect our recycling decided to eat some candy and found the grand prize of a new car. That did not happen though.

I rolled with the punches and instead decided to go get a massage. I had a let over gift certificate from my birthday last year and with all the stress from work and possible eviction and cops stopping by I figured I could use a little relaxation. It was wonderful.

After that Corinne and I carved pumpkins. That was just a precursor to this weekend. Which is a nice transition cause I can't remember what I did the rest of last weekend. It seems so long ago.

Anyway, this weekend I had folks over to carve pumpkins and eat pumpkin treats. I believe I may have even had too much pumpkin as yesterday I was super nauseaus. Laurel made a great Obama pumpkin, Xine made a Mr. Pringle and Lisa made a very scary pumpkin that might eat you.

In addition to pumpkin greatness, we also got our cats this weekend. Hooray! Romeo and Tybalt. Soon to be renamed fail cat. I will make it happen. They are both very beautiful and very soft. I can't wait until they adjust to the house more so we can snuggle with them while watching movies.

I caught up with Paco after that and we had a very long and lovely talk about life. That kid is growing on me.

Now, I'm just tired. Sooooo tired. I will go as a sleeping person for Halloween.

"Goodbye, old you, when love is true."

Where the fuck did this weekend go? Around midnight last night I realized that it was Sunday and not Saturday. Boo. Hiss.

Anyway, the weekend was lovely. I got out of work late Friday night so I missed "The Most Interesting Show on Earth." It's a shame. I do love a freak show.

But, I met up with some folks to see "Quarantine," which is an awful horror movie that even I didn't want to see. The bright spot of the evening was that I ran into Hiko who I hadn't seen in like three years. He seems to be doing really well for himself and recommended the movie "Trick r Treat," which is going direct to video. How does Quarantine get green-lit? I hate you.

Saturday was a busy, busy day. Paco and I got up and had to deal with his car situation. The garage Ken's Collision Center has had his car for three weeks, and only now did they put it up on the rack. Don't go there, they suck butt. We got it towed to Pinky's which had great reviews on Yelp! Fingers crossed.

Then it was off to help Corinne move. It was the easiest move ever. The only way it would have been easier would be to hire people. Afterwards, we ate at Vienna Cafe. The food was delicious and on top of that, they put a cupcake in your bread basket. They live in the same world where ketchup is a vegetable. I love you.

Since folks are shooting at our house, I needed a place to camp out for the day and Paco was more than happy to let me work out of his spare room while James and he rehearsed in the other room. It's strange that it's easier to block out the sound of drumming than talking, but that's the rub.

Later, I hit up Caroline's for a ladies night. We watched the "Sex in the City" movie, which still makes me cry in the right parts. By the time it was over, I was so exhausted I could barely make it home. But, I did. Hooray!

Sunday I went on a quest for white shoes. I failed. How hard is it to make a white Mary Jane. Shoe producers of America and far away lands, I implore you. At least Jet Rags ridiculous $1 sale makes up for it.

Then Laurel and I took Liz over to Paddington's Tea Room to help her detox off of England. Pssst! They have panda tea there! I refrained from ordering it. But the tea and snacks were delicious. I am still thinking about them now.

Last night was a bit of a rough one. Newsflash! I care about things! I don't want to! I want to stuff them deep down inside like I used to so I can still be the coolest girlfriend on the planet! But, alas, I can not. I am not looking forward to having an actual adult conversation about my fears and insecurities today. Maybe there will be ice cream.

This morning I started running again. The wind whipping through the alley by my windows was just too incredible to ignore. Oh, running, I'll never turn my back on you again.

"You have, broken through my armor, and I don't have an answer, I, I love you all the same."

Danger! Danger! Approaching scary territory! Proceed with caution!

That's my own warning to myself. You proceed however you like. May I suggest skipping? I just did.

I put up my best defenses going into this relationship for several reasons. 1) I don't want to get hurt. 2) I don't want to get hurt. 3) I don't want to get hurt. Oh, wait, that's just one reason repeated three times.

Anyway, after this past weekend, it's all fallen down. It had been crumbling in the past week, with the movies and the fair and the anal sex, but on Friday, it was just breath-taking. I had you there, didn't I? You are so easy to fool.

Anyway, after a particularly stressful day for both of us, Paul and I were laying in bed and he was sharing his story with me. Now, I've heard his story before, but it wasn't like this. This one had the tenderest details and when he was finished, he read me to sleep, cause it's what someone did for him when he needed it.

Ugh, I'm in too deep.

"What a fine day for a parade."

I have to say, despite a bit of a flashback freak out on Friday, it was an absolutely wonderful weekend.

First stop of the weekend. Make-up. I own make up world, beware!

Friday we headed over to Mike's to enjoy the debates, or at least the second half of them (fuck you Fox News for not having your schedule right!). I'm sure that I'm biased since I already know who I'm voting for, but McCain came off as such a condescending, fear-instilling, prick. Yeah, I said it.

After that, we got the taste out of our mouths by watching "The Royal Tennenbaums." I remember absolutely hating this moving the first time I saw it. I group it with "The Big Lebowski" which is another movie I hated when I saw it. The lesson to learn is that I hate every movie I saw at midnight while I was in college. I was old and cranky back then. With this tailbone situation, I still am.

Saturday I joined Corinne for some dog walking and brunch at Lulu's. I'd never been, but I've always wanted to go since Jen talked about the omelettes there approximately six years ago. It didn't disappoint.

Then Lisa and I hopped over to Pasadena to bid Joelle adieu. She's heading to Central Africa for "Doctors Without Borders." It sounds like it is going to be a very fulfilling, but stressful trip. I'm sure she will have a wonderful time and come home with stories in nine months.

But the day did not end there. Oh, no folks. After I got home and showered I headed out to meet Natalie and folks to celebrate her birthday at Puppet Up! They did the same sort of improvisation as they had done the last time I went, but the took different suggestions, so it was a completely different show. I'm always a little leary about improv that way. Problem: I can't stop singing "Tastes like chicken and it's fun to put your dick in." Damn you Jeffrey Dahmer High School.

Sunday Paul and I headed up to the fair. I was so happy cause I've wanted to go to the fair for so long and I've never been able to for one reason or another. But this year, this year my friends, I made it. It was everything that I dreamed it would be. And I only cried once, okay, twice. But the baby chicks and the bunny rabbits are soooo adorable.

Then it was time to gorge ourselves on ribs and fried avocado and fried twinkies and lemonade and cotton candy! The fried avocado was delicious. The twinkie was way to sweet. Everything else was as expected. But I'm going to look into fried avocado recipes cause, shit, why not.

It was time for rides after that. Our choices for rides were limited as the ride I took Friday night rebruised my tailbone and Paco's stomach was full of treats. So we hit the ferris wheel and bumper cars.

Okay, I lied. I cried three times. I cried during the bumper cars cause I couldn't stop laughing and I was so happy. I'd mentioned that because of what happened last year that I really wanted to go on bumper cars this upcoming weekend. It was exactly the silly thing I needed to do to get passed this milestone. I'm very glad that I got to do it with Paul.

All in all a wonderful weekend.

"If you're flawless, then you'll win my love "

This morning, as Paul and I were waiting for a tow truck to hook his car up I whispered to him, "Those rope/crank things are going on my grateful list. I like the noise that they make." I don't know what they call them. I know that we used them when we were moving Corinne's fridge and I know that I really like the noise that they make. I don't know why, I just do.

The big thing that I realized is that I'm happy lately. Not for any great reason. Nothing is wonderful, in fact I have some very serious issues coming up. Issues that I've shared with maybe one person who reads this and very few others. But issues I'm not afraid of. Issues I will walk through with as much dignity and grace as I can.

I get scared a lot. I get panic attacks. They've stopped recently. There's something that some folks call a "spiritual awakening." At times I've thought that I've felt it, but never as I feel it now. The thing that changed is that I realized I'm going to fuck up, I'm not perfect and I don't have to be ashamed or afraid or guilty because of it.

I feel really dorky saying this, but I want to share what helped me. Awhile ago, I had a really rough night. A REALLY ROUGH NIGHT. Paul picked me up from my place and took me to his. I kept waking up with nightmares. He rolled over and looked me in the eyes and said, "Aimee, you are loved and protected."

There were three important thoughts that came out of that statement:
1) I knew that Paul didn't say/mean "I love you and will protect you."
2) Paul is not religious so it wasn't a statement of "God will love and protect you."
3) I never felt more loved or protected in my life.

There are certainly things that have happened and things that will happen that are not ideal. Shit's going to come up. I tend to not think about it when I'm busy. Only when I'm awake late at night. But every time those late night what-ifs hit, I just whisper to myself, "Aimee, you are loved and protected." And I know, at least for that moment, I am.

Oh, I forgot the other fun point of the morning was that I was wearing my "I heart the colorblind" t-shirt. I was on the phone with AAA and they asked for the color of Paco's car. I said green, cause I thought it was green. He just shakes his head and says, "Baby, it's black."

"Get back"

Wow, I feel like I'm 800 years old. I slipped on Friday and bruised my tailbone. It hurt like a motherfucker, but I assumed it would just go away in like a day or two. So, I just went about my business Friday night and went out to coffee and back to Mike's to watch a movie ("Harold and Kumar Escape Guantanamo Bay" It's funny. No, really, it is.) and then back to Paco Dos' place.

We went to bed around 4 am and I was wicked exhausted. I was also wicked full of coffee and water though so I kept having to get up to go to the bathroom. Never having a bruised tailbone before and sitting in a super soft bed, I didn't think twice about getting up. But, when I sat up I felt the most immense pain of my life (worse than torn ligaments, worse than 2nd degree burns on my thighs, worse than that time I got my tongue stuck in my braces) Being both shocked and in pain I screamed like a banshee. If Paco didn't already know I was crazy, I'm sure he would have been alarmed.

I figured, maybe it will feel better on Sunday. It actually did. Then I realized why. Unlike any other injury you have, when you bruise your tailbone, the last thing you should do is sit or lay down. So, since I was up on my feet cleaning Ol' Martel on Sunday, I felt fine.

Yesterday I worked for 14 hours sitting in a chair the whole time. Then I got home and started reading Frank's screenplay while sitting. When I woke up this morning, it was the same immense pain from Saturday.

Moral of the story. I need to get one of those upside down sleeping things like Batman.

"You're so damn hot."

So, they started posting pictures from LA Flash on the LACMA website. Guess who's front and center? Carrot, of course.

I miss the beard already.

Oh, and hooray. Now we're both up.


photo by Melissa Manning.

"And I don't know what you mean to me, But I want to turn you on, turn you up, figure you out, I want to take you on."

Wow, so, I'm back. It's been busy lately I guess. Or not. It's something. I make a lot of sense.

So it was a pretty good week. My daddy celebrated his 64th birthday. That's a huge blessing. The table read went well. I got so much sleep I don't know what to do with myself.

Saturday was a lovely day. I woke up and went shopping at H&M for something cute. Despite telling myself that I wanted to wear pants and a hat that evening I ended up walking out with two dresses. I think it turned out okay though. Folks?

Then Millertime and I tackled some writing tasks. It feels good to be back on track.

Moving on, there was some mediation at Against the Stream. The first time I did it last week the half an hour seemed like FOREVER. This time it seemed to go by too quickly. There's no pleasing me. I'm heading back on Wednesday with Kitty. Perhaps then it will be just right.

After getting my serenity, I picked up Paul and we headed to Leslie's art show. Well, I guess it's not really Leslie's show, but she was curating it. I really enjoyed the pieces there. Every artist was unique. If I had money, I'd be all over some of that shit.

Sadly, we had to rush out cause we were going to LA Flash at LACMA. It was a swell time. I brought my camera, but we got caught up in looking at the exhibits and all the people and I completely forget to take pictures. They took a few of us though, so I'll keep checking the website.

Then we puttered back to Paul's to watch "Dreams," a movie that we've sat down to watch on several occasions, failing miserably each time. It's interesting, we just always end up falling asleep. I guess when you make a movie called "Dreams" you are encouraging people to do that.

Sunday morning a freshly-shaved Paul and I headed over to JetRag to go through the dollar clothes. I have to do that more often. I didn't realize you couldn't try thing on in the dressing room, you had to just do it there in the parking lot. Moral of the story, you should not try things on over a dress unless you want everyone to see your bare ass. You are welcome customers of JetRag.

Then LC and I met up for some brunching at Toi. Deliciouso. Then BBQ. Then rats. Then bed.

Delightful.

"Leave your things behind cause it's all going off without you."

Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

Recently, I realized that panda was missing. She'd been on my bed and then in my closet and then not anywhere. I spent the majority of yesterday flipping out about it and trying to figure out what to do about it.

It's a self assessment, but I've felt that compared to the me of recent, I've been really good at letting things go and turning things over. I know that not everyone can be with me in the bathroom first thing in the morning, but that's where it generally happens. That's where I sit extra long and ask for patience and for my fears to be removed. It was working wicked good. It would not work on this.

I called folks about it assuming that either a task force or a time machine would be built to find panda. It's panda people! The result was a lot of folks telling me the truth. That panda is just panda. She can not be replaced, but the memory and love for her is not gone. It's like a Visa ad.

Last night I was still irate and didn't get it. At 5 AM today I do.

I was unhappy before about the condition of my things/room during this process. I voiced that. I let it go cause everything was replaceable. Panda is not replaceable. But she can not be taken away.

"Isn't it ironic?"

I went to see "For a Few Dollars More" with Paul last night. I haven't been to a cemetery movie all summer, so I was excited to get one under my belt.

SPOILERS:




In the movie, this dude Indio shoots some guy who's sleeping with the chick he likes. Then he proceeds to have sex with her. I'm assuming they didn't move the body. The sexing apparently is subpar cause she kills herself. I know what you're asking and the answer is yes. I think he did.

I just thought the entire having sex in front of and with dead people was a nice touch for a cemetery movie.

"Hit me with your best shot."

Today was a wonderfully trying day. I'm still in a list kind of mood so here you go.

1) Woke up at 5 to get to volunteering shift. Greeted by parking ticket. (-55 points)
2) Got to spend time with Ross G., Tamera and Jason. (+3 points)
3) Returned to apartment to take shower. There is no longer a door on my bathroom (-privacy)
4) Opened phone bill (-550.00 dollar points)
5) Received a letter from my doctor that I have diabetes. (-bodies ability to produce insulin)
6) 101 called and says he needs to "talk to me about something." (-peace of mind/ + poor decision making)
7) Dad called to say his surgery went well. (+life)
8) Learned that chins are just lazy Susans for balls. (priceless)

You do the math.

"You have broken through my armor and I don't have an answer."

Wait, what is this feeling? I feel at peace. Crazytown.

I'm still not sure what's happening with the boy situation but I know that I'm happy either way. It's creepy to feel like old me.

Yeah, old Aimee. She's so wrinkly and hunched over.

"She's trying to be a good girl, give 'em what they want."

So, I rocked out so hard core Friday night by watching episodes of "Reba." I've been dealing with some guy issues lately and trying to figure out what I want and what have you. I never realized that watching "Reba" would give me the clarity that I need.

It was also super bizarre cause for the first time in God knows how long I felt some self worth. I felt that I did deserve to be treated how I want to be treated and I don't want to settle. I also talked about those feelings with him.

Needless to say, I'm pretty sure it's over.

"Am I your wetnap?"

I guess it's been awhile since I've felt like this. I mean, let's be serious folks. I'm in demand.

There's just something about this situation that is unsettling to me. I guess the question is will it ever settle or will it always feel like this.

I'm just gonna listen to "Glendora" several more times. That will help.

"Will someone please call a surgeon, who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?"

This panic attack is going on hour 16. 16 hours of nothing but a tight chest and aching muscles and hyperventilating.

It all started in my meeting yesterday. I left early to call Caroline and then realized that I didn't have my phone. I drove home to get my phone and couldn't find it. This made me freak out even more cause we don't have internet and without that I was completely out of contact with people.

Luckily, I made plans to hang out with Carrot. Unfortunately, Carrot and I needed to have a conversation. The conversation went well for the most part. I hate serious conversations.

All night long I kept waking up though with panic attacks. I think I scared the shit out of Carrot.

I got home and found my phone. That was great! Hooray. But panic attack is still happening. I don't comprehend this as lots of good things are happening. Let's list them and see if that helps.

1) Old bedframe broken. New bed frame being purchased.
2) Bagels.
3) Having options of where to sleep so I don't have to sleep in broken bed.
4) Several options for a fun time tonight.
5) T-Bone's party!
6) Jess's birthday!
7) Violeta's birthday!
8) Dinner plans with Noah!
9) Sleeping over at Corinne's!
10) Zelda's movie premiere!

Nope, panic still there. Fucking shit.

"I am weary, let me rest."

Wow, this week has kicked my ass.

It started with picking up Carrot from the airport at 1:00 am. It was nice cause I missed him, but probably not the best idea since we both started work the next day.

Work has been very nice. It's good to be back with the Reba folks and all the new faces seem equally delightful.

I thought that the lack of sleep I was getting was caused by stress from work, but it's not. I haven't slept much at all this week with the exception of Wednesday.

Good news: Dining room and my room are painted! Tamera and Jake work on the lot! Hooray!
Bad news: Krysta's in the hospital! Owing a shit ton of money! Expectations that aren't getting met!

Hopefully this upcoming weekend will be relaxing and I'll have more energy next week.

"The one who ought to give up but she's just too hard-headed...with gentle hands and the heart of a fighter. I'm a survivor."

It's been awhile, let's summarize.

Let's start with the bad, shall we?

1) No internet for days. How'd I pass the hours? That is a good question.
2) Same old. Same old.
3) Long to do lists.
4) Bugs.
5) Pigeons.
6) Friends getting hurt and you feeling helpless. I guess that's a little karma.
7) Your mother reading your journal. Seriously, I'm 27 and she read my journal. But, I guess it was my fault for not taking it to NY.
7) I miss Carrot.
8) Not seeing enough of my friends.
9) Thinking too much. Talking too much.
10) Insomnia.
11) I miss television.

The good:
1) Simple things that have totally made me smile this week: Drano, dryer lint, finding that the back pockets of the pants that I have been wearing for several months have snaps so I can put things in them.
2) Great friends who pick me up when I feel helpless.
3) Forgiveness.
4) The house is slowly but surely coming together. Doug did a great job of painting the living room. I finished up the bathroom -- well, not quiet yet, Tupac needs to find a place. Then I worked on the kitchen today. Pot rack, you have been hung. Espresso machine, you are still a mystery to me, but you are clean. Club Driveway still needs some work, but they will only take away the debris so fast. It's also really hard to trim things above your head. Then yard!
5) Job starts Monday, hooray! Who will write the theme song? I do not know. Saget! That's what I have.
6) That I was up until 3 in the morning last night thinking about painting my room. "Why didn't I paint before I moved my things upstairs? Will I have enough paint? Should I buy more? What if they don't match it?" Then waking up to Feeney telling me that they were shooting in my room and that they'd be painting it. People, meet life.
7) Music.
8) "Eat, Pray, Love."
9) Helping others. Listening to others.
10) Sleeping in my bed after sleeping on couches and floors for about a month.
11) Underwear Affair = complete.
12) Country Music. I said it.
13) Finding the brother I never had in Armenian Mike.
14) So many awesome events on the horizon. Parties, SummerSlam, softball, BBQ's, Birthdays.
15) Crockpot used. You're next pasta maker.
16) Being able to unpack my clothes.
17) Going to Ikea. Soon there will be a better way to dry clothes!
18) I'm uncertain whether this is good or bad, however, the "skull and crossbones" towels have collided with the "Tupac bathtub scene" photos in two apartments. I can't even fathom what this means for the world.
19) Free clinics and Planned Parenthood.
20) Cheese tortellini and broccoli.

"It's truth or falsity is moot, cause honesty's not your strong suit, and I don't believe you."

You know what I like to do to feel good about myself? Send anonymous emails to perfectly awesome people telling them that their boyfriend is cheating on them. That's not awful in anyway. It's really being the big person to drudge up that insecurity and fear in a person. It's fucking great. You are a fucking great Samaritan. I hope you get a purple heart. I know you don't qualify, but certainly someone as noble as you deserves something.

"Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears."

Goals before leaving PA (i.e. stop living in fear Aimee Elizabeth)

1) Go from 0 miles a day to 6. This should be fun. Yeah for three runs a day. My own laziness got me here and my own will power will get me out.
2) Two outlines for two screenplays. Bang it out.
3) Change my address.
4) Get health insurance.
5) Find a kareoke place that has Rilo Kiley.
6) Watch "Taxi Driver" and "Action."
7) Drive around PA and get lost trying to find that fucking creepy house.
8) Enjoy the rain.
9) Enjoy time with friends.
10) Drink the blood of a goat.

"It's the dirty story of a dirty man."

Pookie and I had been throwing back and for the idea of writing a "book" based on our "conquests." I use both terms loosely as our conquests tend to be anything but. I mean things are conquered, but we are often left shaking our heads saying, "how the fuck do I get into these situations?"

So I wanted to share a brief snippet I wrote tonight. It is basically a snippet from a conversation between Pookie and I about me trying to talk my way out of a vow of celibacy. It still makes me laugh. Yes, I said these things. We were discussing when it becomes sex:

“Where’s the line between sex and heavy petting? I mean, if he only penetrates for like a second or two like every few seconds that’s just heavy petting, right? No? Okay, well what if he does me from behind? Then I don’t really know what’s going inside of me. Could be anything. I won’t ask.”

My parents will be so proud.

"Oh make me over, I'm all I want to be."

Despite some roughness and the decision to go home for a bit, life's not so bad. Am I right people? I am. Don't argue with me. I'm a master debater. Mainly because I won't listen to you and will most likely rely on pity or making faces. It's a tried and true method.

Everything that we could ever desire is now moved into the house. We have enough toasters to start some sort of a business. Is there a big market for toast. I mean, it's delicious. Who wouldn't want some? Like classy folks, the dining room table is out on the front lawn for the moment. This is how we do at Ol' Martel.

I saw "The Dark Knight" Saturday. It was way beyond my expectations. Ledger = gold. Hot, sexy, scary, gay, cowboy, deceased gold. I will go out on a limb and say that the classic screenwriting rule of "show don't tell" is bullshit when it comes to great villians. Having a villian describe what he's done or what he's going to do is so much scarier than having him slash people up. I guess it inspires that tension thing.

Sunday I went to visit Ms. Zelda. Her tumor is growing and it's upsetting cause there's nothing we can do about it. She seems happy, so that's good. It is the strange thing that she doesn't really use her eyes except for being pretty. She navigates by smell. It just reminds me of getting Alex's eye removed. So I'm concerned. That's what I do. I worry. Luckily, Paul is rational, so we'll figure out what to do with the little lady.

Then it was scooting to a meeting and fellowship. As usual, it was a lovely discussion that I needed to hear. How do people know? Basically we talked about how no one can day anything to make you feel what you don't want to feel. It took me back to LC's wonderful "is this the end of your world?" speech of '98.

But it's strange to have entire conversations in your head before you have actual conversations with people. Going in, I've already decided how I want to feel. I've already decided whether I want to play the victim or be the cool girl or invincible. It still surprises me when I actually have the conversation and they other person doesn't react in the way that justifies my feeling. Man, it's time to live in the now.

Then I met up with Mike to spend the last hour of his birthday with him. It was what I need last night. The Stones were right. You get what you need. I mean, like on a fucking silver platter. It wasn't what I wanted. I certainly wanted other things last night. but i got what I needed. A nice evening with a friend who is teaching me to ride his motorcycle when I get back to LA.

Feeney picked me up for the airport this morning. I am full of disgusting McDonald's breakfast and I'm thinking of running for my panda friends.

Let's just get through this trip first, shall we?

"They say absence makes the heart grow fungus."

It's a really cool place to be in when your realize you don't need something but rather that you want it. I mean it still sucks to not get what you want. But maybe it's not what you need right now and something better is coming along.

It feels nice to just let something go. Something that I want. Something that I like. It feels weird to actually have faith that something else is in charge and I'll I have to do is let go.

Man, this makes me think of skydiving.

"Now somedays they last longer than others, but this day by the lake went to fast."

Hey, remember when I said that I wasn't going to talk about me. Yeah. That happened. Like most resolves it was brief. Then I realized that people who search the internet for "School children fucking" would be upset if I didn't continue this blog. I know my audience. I appeal to them. That being said, here was my mundane day.

I woke up and I realized that my depression is sooooo setting in. I do not kid you that I had woken up and said "Aimee, you can go to sleep until Saturday." And, Aimee, whoever she is, agreed. This sleeping for days thing sounded great. That is when I got a call: "Hey, Aimee, what are you doing? Nothing? Oh, you should meet me here."

There are times when you should not define God. Those times are normally between 3 and 5 am. As I'm a dick though, I'll define it how i want. God, is there. That's it. He's there. I could try to explain it to you. The truth of the matter is you get it or you don't. Not in a good or bad way. Did I mention it was 3:47 am? God to me is a really bad movie. He's there when it is very cliche. Very hookie. Very expected. And I don't care. I just sort of smile and laugh and know it's him. Whatever he is.

So, I went to a meeting, then grocery shopping. Then the true humility came.

I got hair dye during my shopping adventure. My daddy asked for a picture of me with my new hair. It hurts me greatly cause I assume he's asking for pictures cause he won't see me. I know he is. He hasn't asked for a picture of me in years. I remember the last picture my parents took of me. It was five years ago.

Holy shit. I'm going home.

"With my freeze ray I will stop the world."

There is something about a man who's superpower is to moisten things that hits me where it counts.

Also, I mean Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. A girl can only take so much. I guess that's why it's best the NPH is gay.

Oh, Dr. Horrible. I can't wait for your third act.

On a personal note. I'm going into a bad depression. Dr. Horrible will fix part of this.

"That echoed in the sound of silence."

While I'm making improvements, the next goal is to not talk about me for three months. I will listen. Please, call me and tell me to listen.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I'd like to assure you that this is the last post about this tonight, but who knows. I have no fan and no alarm clock. I mean I will pass out like a log and wake up with a panic attack around four, as has happened the last few days, so who cares.

Anyway, I had a long talk with Pookie today. It was about how much I want to talk to Carrot. July 15th may be national Carrot day. The number one reason I haven't called him is fear. Fear that I won't respect me if I call. Fear that he won't respect me. Fear that it's not needed.

I'm not fearful. I still don't want to be afraid. I need an ideal for me that I respect. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I need to hit it.

"She can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her."

I'm already exploring things too much. Mountains and molehills here people. My mind will not stop. It makes me realize that folks are right. They are fucking right. I fucking hate it.

I need to count how many times I've said "I fucking hate it," in the last while. What happened to the girl who used to fucking love everything. She's here. She's just having a hissy. That's what my nana would say. Aimee Elizabeth is having a hissy. And she's right. I'm having a self pity hissy.

I'm just scared right now. It's funny cause I didn't actually share that much time with Carrot, but having to not talk to him is wicked hard. I guess the worst part is knowing that everyone is right. There is nothing that I have to talk to Carrot about that I can't talk to a woman about. And if I honestly need a man's opinion I know plenty of men who I can go to platonically.

Aside from old "Saved by the Bell" clips this scene, from the only "Robin Hood" that matters, keeps running through my head:

Marian: Oh, Klucky. But when? When?
Klucky: Oh, patience, my dear. Patience. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Marian:Or forgetful. Oh, I've been away so long. What if he's forgotten all about me?

I'm terribly scared that 3 months of only talking at meetings will kill anything that was possible. But that's just it, isn't it? I need to have faith that if there is any sort of bond it will be there in three months. I will respect myself more after these three months. We will so from there.

Prepare for some moping people. Moping. That's his word. It's true. But he picked me up off the floor the past few days. He made me laugh, mostly through mocking me. He has been nothing but kind in a world where he does not need to be.

If nothing, he's a great role model of who I hope to be in 11 years.

Thanks, Carrot.

"Letters that you never meant to send, get lost or thrown away."

Wow, yeah, this is retarded. All I can think about now is talking to Carrot. "Don't" is my fucking kryptonite.

I talked to Florice and she made an excellent suggestion of writing what I want to say to him in a notebook. That way if there is anything actually important to be learned I can have the conversation with myself or read it to someone else. That's why Florice is my girl.