"Please to meet you, hope you guessed my name. But what's puzzling you is the nature of my game."

Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the long weekend, maybe it's just that I hang out with a lot of crazy folk but, this weekend had some bizarre thread through it.

Saturday, Ingrid and I woke up and headed to the gym. I never know how to politely tell people that the machine next to the one I'm on isn't working. I spend half my work out being like, "it's broken." "it's broken." I think maybe I'll start encouraging people to unplug it and see if it will restart or trying to convince them that it was working just a second ago and surely, they broke it.

Then we headed to Target. I had to get some crafty stuff for Corinne's present. Exciting things like pregnancy and gangrene were going on in the house, so I decided to dye my hair to keep up with the fast paced lifestyle. It's black. At first I thought I made a really big mistake, but I'm getting used to it. I enjoy how it looks with Mark's hat on, but unfortunately, that is now gone. Boo hoo.

After that Ingrid and I headed to our meeting. I totally loved the speaker. She mentioned that she read a study once that said 80% of your memories are wrong. And the more vividly you remember something, the more off it is. I think that this is fascinating. It's one of the reasons I love "Boomtown" so much. It's that everyone's memory of a situation is different and everyone is wrong in some way. Just something to think about.

On to Corinne's to chat with her and Kat and make some lemonade before the guests arrived. It was very nice to see everyone, especially folks I hadn't seen in awhile. Also, I learned that my dad is a Riverboat Captain who has children up and down the Mississip. The history that others paint for me is far more exciting than my actual life.

And, yeah, Puppet Up! June 21st.

I scuttled off to meet the boys to watch the UFC fight. That's a little redundant. On the way I was rocking the fuck out, per usual. This guy signals for me to roll down my window. I'm assuming he needs to get directions or something, but he says "I just wanted to let you know that I enjoy your enthusiasm." There you have it.

Sunday I hit the gym after I dropped Latifah off. There is something that's not right about slacking off of running for months and within a week of starting back being able to bang out ten miles in a timely manner. Seriously? I'm great.

Then it was time to check out the sale rack at Target and purchase some hats to replace Marks. When I got to the register, the kid who rang me up scanned a hat and says: "Do you want to wear this now?" I told him know. He replied "I think you should wear it now, let me put it on you." Uh, okay. Please don't hurt me.

Wow, I have to go back to Target today. Maybe I'll get a buddy.

"I try to stay away but something escapes me and I lay here with you."

This weekend: The Mark portion AKA my weekend with a married man. Trust me, it's not that interesting.

Alot of the folks don't care for the rain and the cloudy weather. I love it. I love how it makes the air so fresh and crisp. I love having to wrap myself up like a burrito in a blanket. I love the pitter-pat. It gets me every time. It turns out that Mark is the only person in the house who shares this affection, so while everyone else was inside complaining that it was cold and rainy, we headed out front to sit on the couch and enjoy ourselves.

Mark brought his guitar along and we played and sang for awhile. Once again I attempted to play the guitar. After giving up (my hands are too small people. If I get some Lee Press Ons, I may be able to accomplish something) Mark and I decided to tackle it with some teamwork. He handled the neck and I got to strum. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am an excellent strummer. Top of my class at front porch university.

Around midnight, the neighbors came out and politely asked us to keep it down. We decided it was time to put the music away for the night and ended up just sitting up and talking. We shared my blanket and he scratched my head. When he stopped scratching I was super-pissed cause it felt so good. Then he said the only thing he could have said to redeem himself. "I think I have an ingrown hair."

He went off to grab some tweezers and when he got back, he put his head in my lap and said. "I know this is weird, but I can't see it, would you mind helping me out." Never have sweeter words been spoken. So I found the offending hair and became a hero. You'll probably read about it in the paper on Monday.

Saturday night Mark wanted to stay up so that he'd sleep on the way home this morning. Since it was going to be the last time I'd see Mark in probably forever, I decided to stay up with him. Around 4 am we decided to go out to the 101 for coffee. Then we drove up to Muholland Drive to watch the "sunrise" and so Mark could say goodbye to LA.

We drove to the airport cracking jokes like normal. Similar to that scene in "The Wire," Mark and I had an entire conversation using just the words "Put that thang on him Latifah!" Trust me, it's genius.

I pulled up to the terminal and put the car in park so I could help him get his stuff out of the trunk. He kissed my forehead and hugged me and whispered in my ear, "I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow." Because I couldn't show how much I'll miss him I just told him to "put that thang on him Latifah!"

"It's a small world after all."

Yesterday I was walking to meet Kitty for coffee when these kids stopped me to ask if I had a lighter. I told them that I did. The one kid declared with conviction that he could always spot a cigarette smoker. I told him that I didn't smoke cigarettes. He then made the assumption that I smoked pot. I told him that I didn't smoke pot either (sigh). To which he questioned, "what are you lighting birthday candles?" I replied yes. He thought I was joking, but then I pulled out the candles to show him. SERVED.

After the meeting, Jamie and I were chit-chatting and she mentioned she was reading a book that she thought I would like. A book called "Bird by Bird." Coincidentally, the book is written by Anne Lamott. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be purchasing "Traveling Mercies" after I return Lisa's copy to her.

There's this thing they say in the program that a book stays the same even though every time you read it it seems different. I couldn't agree more. I've read very similar books for the last several months and I haven't grown tired of the material at all. I start the books over again with a different highlighter and I find all knew things. Same book. Different Aimee.

Also, the nice thing about books like this is that they are the first books I've discussed in a long time. I really enjoyed talking to Corinne about "Things Fall Apart." Begrudgingly, I like to talk with whoever about the Big Book and 12x12. And I'm pretty excited to talk to Lisa about "Traveling Mercies." It's almost like talking to someone else makes it like I read the book twice. Especially with TM cause I relate to the author in a different way than Lisa relates to the author, but Anne Lamott blends alcoholism and spirituality so well that they almost seem like one.

After that I booked it home. Mark was outside jamming, so even though I was ass-tired, I stayed up with him. He's leaving in a few days and I will miss his company. It's the strange to have people come into your life for a 30 day period and then just disappear. The great thing is you stay connected with the folks you want to stay connected with. It doesn't feel weird to call Randy in Washington or JT in Illinois. It won't feel weird to call Mark in Ohio or Krys in BC or Jess in OC. I guess it's the whole survivors of a plane crash thing. We'll always have this in common. I will miss the music though.

"You're a gluttonous queen, narcassistic and mean."

I have encountered the wrath of 1.75 pounds of cherries and lived to tell the tale. Then Nathaniel informed me that if you eat enough cherries you can get strychnine poisoning. I'm defying death over here people.

"But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk."

These past two days have not been the most pleasant. I hit a few road bumps and I'm so very glad I did.

Since this last relapse I've stated that I really feel like myself again. That statement is 100% factual. I feel like me. Like old me. Like the me who laughs at her mistakes and listens to other peoples problems and eats at Big Wang's with no remorse. I was perfectly content with this situation.

Monday, some stuff came up at work that I was none to proud of. Though I will say it's a little funny to me that I put a line from "Wet Hot American Summer" into a contract, (The people in Indonesia love that movie. They totally would have gotten it!)I certainly realize that it was a big mistake.

In the past, I know exactly where this mistake would have taken me. Three guesses people. The answer is not Disneyland. But instead, I stood with some humility and apologized for my mistake and got back to my job.

Tuesday was swell...until. I was talking with someone, whom I highly respect and admire, and they made a comment that cut a little to close to home. It's fine if I want to make fun of my troubles, but you want to make fun of them? How dare you! Then I stepped back for a moment and realized that I do this all the time to people, not to cut, but to lighten the mood. And it clicked. You kid because you love.

On the ride home and talked to Mom and got some not so great news. But I didn't fall to pieces like I would have. I didn't pass Go, I didn't collect $200. I just called folks and went right back to jail.

When I got home I had some Greco time. I need a watch that indicates that. We all need a little Greco in our life, that guy is bank. He wowed me with the activities of the day. I fucking love chaos. It's exciting.

Then I tucked myself in to read. This is what hit me. "When a lot of things start to go wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible."

I think that that sums up life. Yesterday I had the realization that I feel so good and like myself because I've just let it all go. All this bad shit that has happened in the past was supposed to happen. There is some greater good that will come from all of this. There is something amazing that is going to happen. I'm very grateful that whatever it is, I'm part of the plan. I'm not sure who's plan it is, but I'm certain it's not mine.

"Im floating in a most peculiar way, And the stars look very different today."

Sleep = greatest thing ever. I was zonked after work yesterday. That is what 4:30 airport drop offs will do to a girl. So I slept like a baby. A baby that sleeps well.

Then, this morning I relaxed and read a little. This is my favorite excerpt from today's reading.

"A human life is like a single letter of the alphabet. It can be meaningless. Or it can be part of a great meaning."

Ponder that folks.

"There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight."

Fuck this heat! Despite it though, I had a wonderful weekend.

Friday was a little rough. But with some help, I made it home in time to catch Joe before he left for camping. I'm sure the neighbors were most excited about our rendition of "Somewhere Out There." I was close to joining him, but then I realized I had nothing with which to camp and previous commitments. I do want to go camping again in the near future though.

I scuttled off to the Senior Center with Caroline and Violetta. It was a pretty good meeting and one that made a whole lot of sense to me. My will power is my biggest asset and my biggest detriment. Or rather was. Now, it's working for the right things instead of holding onto a lot of malarkey. Not malarkey. I just wanted to use that word. It's just that I've gotten it back. It's the weird thing that when you lose the will power to NOT do something, it drains all the will power to do anything. But now I'm up at 5:30 to go to the gym, I'm setting time aside to write, I'm making it to where I say I will go. It's simple, but it's a huge, huge step for me.

Man, I don't think I remember much of Friday night. Mark played the guitar and I sang. We have a new hit called "Pee in a Cup" which is sung the the beat of "Dick in a Box." Not as festive though.

Saturday we cleaned the house and I got called a cunt. It was terrific. I love it when 18 year olds use their grown up words. Let's face it though, I totally deserved it for stepping over the area that he mopped to get out of my room. That's the definition of the word, isn't it?

After hear T-Bone speak, I headed over to Vailtime's for some conversation, some air conditioning and some Mashti Malone's. There is some sort of ice cream they have there that looks like it has little worms in it. I don't know how anyone can eat that. But the Turkish Coffee is to die for.

Then we met up with Heath and Corinne at Big Wang's. Wow, have they changed that place around since I last saw it. The visit was short lived as we went to go celebrate Abby's birthday with her at the Hotel Cafe by watching "Jen & Abby." I can't wait until their album comes out so I can finally have their music. I never get sick of it.

On the way out, Heath told us about this band he now loves called Ludo. They have a song called "Love Me Dead." It truly is delightful. I mean, it uses the term "finger bang" which just about makes me vomit ever time I hear it. I ended up downloading it when I got home. Do yourself the same favor.

After I left Laurel's I tried to stop at Wendy's for a Frosty, cause let's face it, one serving of icy treats a day is not enough. Also, they have NEW HAND SPUN FROSTYS. I envision that they have finally put the prosty/frosty combo together. I see a prosty in Wendy's who licks two of her fingers and then puts them in the Frosty all seductively and spins it for you. If this isn't so, then we must purchase a Frosty, find a prosty and give her the delicious treat in exchange for her letting us watch her stir it.

I know, I'm not right.

Sunday I met up with Lisa and Yaiza to participate in Walk for the Underdog. This is a reminder to myself to make sure my new apartment will allow dogs. I'm not getting one right away, but man, I love puppies. Hooray! It was a nice walk with lots of puppies to love. There was a hot British musician. There were dogs. That's right. Oh man, can we do this again next week? The only downside was I got wicked sun burned. Oh, well. I have to got fake and bake or something so I'm ready for the Underwear race.

Lisa also lent me a book by Anne Lamott. I haven't been reading much lately, but I'm devouring this. I enjoy the authors honesty with the problems she dealt with and the resistance that she's felt regarding spirituality. Thanks for the read Lis!

Later I met up with Casey for some mint lemonade at Solar de Cahuenga. We also had a nice long chat. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Casey gives the best hugs. If you have been hugged by Casey, consider yourself very blessed.

The rest of the night was a blur. I ran into Tanner and Meghan unexpectedly, hit up Target, talked to Jereme who couldn't sleep, took LC to the airport, watched some Ultimate Fighting and got three hours of sleep before taking JT to the airport.

There's no way I'm making it to Nathaniel's tonight. No. Way. Aimee need sleep.

"You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature finger-bangin' my heart"

Children of America. I implore you to take some time, look deep inside and find a better insult than "cunt." Really? That's what you got?

"You probably think that I hold resentment for you."

Things I did not think would turn up on my resentment list:

Disneyland
Skiing
Time Zones
Stacked Parking
Pharmacies
Hawaiian Shirts
Wii
Winchell's Donuts
LOL Cats

"Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters."

I thought this was a pretty appropriate Mother's Day Postsecret.



I love you mom.

"oh breathe, just breathe."

Panic attacks so far today: Two.

It's a strange world that I live in where I'm more comfortable around convicts and addicts and suicidal folks than I am around normal people.

"But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical. "

Most people have an internal monologue. I have an internal dialogue, sometimes it's a whole chorus, but normally it's just the two. The voice of reason and the voice of addiction. It's hard to explain. I think I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that people who don't suffer from it won't really get it. I mean how could they? Insanity is a strange thing to explain. You can get the concept, but to walk through it is a whole other thing. It would be like if someone tried to explain World of Warcraft to me. I get the idea, but to try and play would be alien.

The important thing is that I get it though. I've been getting better at the whole calling someone when I'm in crisis. When I was on the phone with Jamie last night I sort of rationalized why that works. When it's just the two voices in my head, addiction always wins. When I call someone and they give me the rational choice then the votes are two to one. Majority rules. Suck it addiction!

I feel weird talking about this openly and honestly. Normally I hide it under thinly-veiled references to protect my pride, but saving face is pointless. It's the humility of saying "I give up. I need help," that is going to save my ass. The woe-is-me downward spiral portion of this disease is done. I am ready to fearlessly start climbing out of the whole I've dug with the tenacity that I know I have. Nothing but rigorous honesty will get me there.

The prize, they say is serenity, peace and happiness. All the things that I've been hoping for and have been searching for in the wrong source. Fucking dopamine! I curse you! It's going to be a bumpy ride, but one that I will take on willingly. Buckle up.

"Do you see what I see?"

I can not get enough of this video.



I'm so glad that he doesn't look up so I don't have to come to terms with my love for a 15 year old boy. But damn, that shit is good.

Also good, Millertime's play. Hit it up.

"Here comes the sun."

My favorite book growing up was the Phantom Tollbooth. In fact, it's still one of my favorite books. I think I have like six or seven copies of it lying around somewhere. My nana used to read it to me when I was little. Then I put it down for awhile and remember picking it up at a later stage in life and reading it and understanding what it actually was about.

One of my chapters is "It's all in how you look at things." In it, Milo runs into a boy who instead of growing from the ground up, starts at his full height and grows until he reaches the ground. I thought it was a great way to teach about perspective.

It came to me the other night when a fight broke out in the kitchen at the center. There were five of us there and each one of us had a completely different take on who started it and what happened. Hell, I didn't even realize that one of the people was there cause I was so immersed in the game the fight broke out over. Ah, it brings me back.

Anyway, it got me thinking of the wider-world view and how perspective is such a difficult thing to handle. We are all in tuned to how we see the world and we assume the world sees the same way. Well maybe you don't, I do, that's me assuming. The brilliant thing is that it's not etched in stone. My perspective on life has changed considerably recently. Though my gut reaction is worst case scenario, I'm quick to realize that that's not the case. It's that my perspective on the world has been so negative for so long that I assume that.

I built a very thick layer of negativity this last year. I have certainly had the support of folks telling me that it will be okay, things will work out, I'm a good person, etc. But it really didn't matter until my perspective changed and I realized that. I had to get to a place where negativity just wasn't going to work anymore. Rationalizing and blaming and minimizing weren't going to work anymore. The killer one though was taking your perspective and making it my own.

Strangely enough, this came up the other day when someone who was angry at me for not getting their way called me a bitch. My initially reaction (internally thank god) was, "You wanna see a bitch? I'll show you what a bitch can do." I distinctly remember having this internal monologue several months ago but instead of bitch, it was "alcoholic."

When that statement came to mind this time it was not self-defeating as it was before. It was a rallying call. It came as a challenge, not to anyone else, but to myself. To not be the person that folks associate with the term, but to be the person that I associate with the term, mainly, Robert Downey Jr.

I am Iron Man.

"But nothing cures the hurt that you, you bring on by yourself, just remembering who you were."

I have not felt this refreshed in a very long time. I do not regret one step of this journey. It reminded me how much of a fighter I am. For the first time in awhile I feel like I still have that fight in me. Instead of rolling over and being a victim or a doormat, I have the visceral urge to fight.

As I was lying in bed the other night I remembered "Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night." It has become my time to rage against the dying of my light and I'm on that shit. Cause death is not the answer. Giving up is not the answer. And neither of those things are me.

Time to be reborn, bitches.

"You're under my skin and no matter what I do."

Move over Olyphant, Watson's staking his claim.

Liz was talking about an episode of Battlestar earlier today where two folks who are married to other people, but love each other are in a boxing match. She'll explain it better, ask her. Then Maureen was perplexed by why she thinks romance has to be difficult. Ladies, I'm on that track today.

There are a lot of cliches that were rolling around in my head, but I think the one that sticks, and goes well with the boxing theme, is that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Sure, you love your boyfriend, but did you have to have a torrid love affair plagued by infidelity and addiction? No, well then you should really reconsider what you think about love.

It's silly when you say it out loud, and I hate to blame movies and books and television and real couples I know, but there's a reason for those feelings. There's a reason that we want to make big sweeping romantic gestures and profess our love so honestly and openly. There's a reason that after we're rejected we want to try harder.

Last night, Donnie turned to me and gave me I think the only compliment I've heard lately that I whole-heartedly believe. He said, "Aimee, you're the most persistent person I've met." I've fallen down a lot this past year, but I'm getting my footing back and I have my eyes back on what I want physically, mentally, romantically. I'm sort of afraid of what I'm going to do in that respect. It's go big or go home time.

"Could I have been anyone other than me?"

Today I feel like Timothy Olyphant. It's weird. I think it was because he was on Samantha Who? the other night. I guess it's just that for the most part he plays characters (good or bad) that go to whatever length to get what they want.

Man, I have this overwhelming feeling I'm going to be making an ass of myself soon.

"Thought I could fly when I held your hand (I was wrong)"

Awww foot cramp. That's completely off topic, not that there ever is a topic.

Today was pretty sweet, long, but sweet. My boss is taking Thursdays and Fridays off for the next few months which means that Mondays area complete shit storm of all the things that were piling up on her desk. I just want to have speakers so I can listen to music and I will be 120% content at work. Wait, maybe I mean 20%.

Onto more important things, "How I Met Your Mother," SPOILERS








What are the proper number of spaces between spoiler alert and spoiler? Sadly, I'm sure there's an actual number.

Most important, Robin's breasts = great job.

More Thicke and Tiffany. I mean, really. Really. Did you know Thicke was the first choice to play Oscar Scheindler? Probably not, cause if you did there would have been more screen time.

Dawson did well. My kudos.

I also thought they did a really good job of capturing the "revertigo." Nostalgia is huge and so often we use rose-colored glasses. But, revertigo sounds way cooler.

And then, there was the Robin and Barney ending, really? Really? That was my first instinct. Then I realized that the pot was calling the kettle black and that this situation happens ALL THE TIME. Okay, maybe it's just me.









UNSPOILER:

Zeldabear really likes Samantha Who? So does Mom. More tomorrow.

"Somewhere out there, love will see us through."

I think it's absolutely adorable to hear Frank's side too.

Man, one day I'll find my Paul Bleaker.

"Who says you can't go home?"

The thing about eating a lot of grilled cheese is that it makes you comatose. Luckily, my Tivo was stock full of delicious goodies for me "30 Rock," "Scrubs," "Samantha Who?" "How I Met Your Mother." Oh, television, how I love you.

I headed over to see Justin in the afternoon. It was a pretty rough time. I guess rough in a good way. It's hard to tell someone how you feel, knowing that what you're feeling is wrong. But, being wrong is often pretty good.

Afterwards, Corson and I met up for some coffee and conversation. Always a delight to see Heath. I have to try the family style dinner at Dominic's that he's talked about. I guess after I detox from this weekend.

On the way home, I got a call that a friend needed a Writer's Assistant to come in for a few hours that night. So, I trekked over to Paramount for a couple hours of work. It felt so great to be back in the room. They guys were most delightful. Also delightful, that one of them accidentally pulled out the cord of the computer while I was working. That never goes well.

The show shoots Tuesday. I hope it goes well for selfish reasons, of course. Damn, I gotta get back into Production.

"Leaving on a jet plane."

Oh my goodness, I can believe I forgot to mention that Kristen and Jen had left for Thailand. Follow their journey here.

"Who's to say whats impossible and can't be found, I don't want this feeling to go away."

Aside from being exhausted and ten pounds heavier, this weekend is A+ so far. And it's not over yet. Oh no my friend.

Friday Laurel hosted Jane Austen Slumberfest 2008. Let me just paint a picture of how into "Pride and Prejudice" I was. I'm in my pj's, lying in the field of poppies and it's 2:30 in the morning. We are 5 hours into the mini-series and folks begin to fade. Do I join them? No, I fucking persevere until 3:30 in the morning. Jane Austen, you do love a double wedding. As much as part of me wants to be like, cut three hours out of this mini-series it would mean that we'd lose a lot of Colin Firth brooding and I can say that that would make the world a worse place.

I woke up this morning pretty early and couldn't get back to sleep. So I watched "Top Chef" and "The Office" and washed some dishes and stuff. Laurel and I headed out to breakfast at IHOP before I came home and took the greatest nap ever.

And then, the main event.

Ryan picked us up for the Grilled Cheese Invitational. With all the red-tape that went into finding the location and what not, it was worth it. Though having it outside in Griffith Park made it so you couldn't walk from booth the booth, it was a nice trade for some fresh air and some grilled cheese.

I think we tried about seven sandwiches in total. I would have liked to be able to taste more Karma Sutra and less Missionary ones, but beggars can't be choosers. The one Kama Sutra one we had was avacado with proscuitto and I loved it. It's sad that I don't know the cheese. Lawrence's spoon entry was really good as well. So many cheeses, so much butter, so much bread.

Then there were two duds. On entry for the Honey Pot that I had to spit out it was so sweet. It was good in concept, but there was just too much to be contained and I found it foul. Right after that, we had another sandwich with truffle oil that made me reconsider spending $30 on a bottle of truffle oil, which I've heard makes everything amazing. As Laurel put it, this tastes like paint, like someone is graffiting my mouth. Ryan said it got better with each bite, but I didn't want to have to spit another one out.

The final one from the evening was from a bunch of Rocket Scientists and it was amazing. Homemade sourdough, pecroino fused crust, aged Canadian cheddar seared panini style. So understandly great.

We left before it was over cause it was getting chilly and we were all about to burst so I don't know who won, but it was definitely worth the hassle of finding the location and waiting in a mob of people screaming for grilled cheese sandwiches.

On a related note, Pookie and I were talking the other night about "Juno." She mentioned that the scene that she liked the most was after Juno goes to the hospital to have the baby but doesn't tell Bleeker because he has a track meet. Then after Blleker finishes the race, he looks up, notices she's not there and immediately knows where she must be. I mean, sure the fact that she's 9 months pregnant helps, but I can bet a lot of guys first reaction would have been. "where the fuck are you? I just won my heat."

Pookie and I were discussing how rare it is to have someone that in tune with you. "Where are all the Pauly Bleeker's in the world?" we lamented. The funny thing, is they're all around, just sometime they aren't baby daddy material, well, unless you need to get knocked up to save $5.00 at curling.

I got thinking about it today cause at the Invitational, without me saying a word, Ryan unzipped his jacket and gave it to me, and just said, "I know you." It really just took my breath away for a second. We should all be so lucky to have such a great Race partner, but seriously, you still owe me $2 from Ralph's, Berdan. ;)

Then I got home and got a email from a friend that said, I heard you needed a panda hug. With this pic:



I also got a CD in the mail from Jess with a really sweet note to cheer me up.

I guess my point is that they're are a lot of Paulie Bleeker's out there. They're called friends.

"I get by with a little help from my friends."

Today was a rough one. All those feelings from Monday came back. Luckily, I had plenty of folks to talk to about it and talk I did. I was in the middle of a panic attack and I was thanking Ben for listening to me, that I didn't mean to be such a burden and he said what I say to people when they think they're being a burder, "that's what friends are for."

Then I got to thinking of why I have such a negative association with asking for help. Why do I think it's so weak and why do I think I'm a burden? The answer came pretty easily. I'm afraid that if I ask for help I will be too much for someone and they will leave me. That's not the case at all.

Tonight, the ladies were terrific. I could not have asked for a better meeting. The piece that hit me the hardest was when the speaker was talking about how she had trouble asking for help for the same reason I do. Then someone asked her, "How do you feel when you help someone?" The answer, is of course, good. It feels good to help. The question askers response: "then why would you deny someone else that feeling?"

"you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just see you tonight"

Oh, and the most exciting news. POOKIE IS COMING!

"Well we'll float on good news is on the way"

Sorry about all the "Float On." I'm sure I'll oversaturate myself soon. Not really sure I want to thought.

I'm sure everyone in my office thinks that I'm crazy. I can't stop singing and I'm walking around with this funky strut. I like when you have a song stuck in your head and you walk to it. Shit. It's like you're in the movies.

Anyway, good things this morning. Jason sent me a hug on facebook. I'm always amazed by who pays attention to things on that, but now I know. The question, would I prefer a hug from Jason or a panda. Tough, tough call. Especially since pandas could kill me.

Then Liz dropped this awesome. Man, some days you rock the Slapbet Commisioner shirt and you get Robin Sparkles news and it's all fucking good.

"Everything old is new again"

You know when you hear that song that you've listened to a million times before, but it finally hits that right note. "Float On," is exactly what the doctor order.

I mean, wow. Yeah, wow.

"Aliright don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy, we'll all float on alright"

I like being able to start my day over whenever I want. This morning all I wanted to do was stay in bed and hide and think horrible nasty thoughts. Though tempting, the day would not have taken the course it did.

Instead, I dealt with some shit. As Steven said, "You sure know how to leave a voicemail that gets attention." I do when I have to, and I had to. The voices are getting hella out of control in my head. It's hard to share those feelings with people cause I don't want to admit them to myself. Keeping them inside will kill me. So even though sometimes I feel like I'm a broken record, I have to share, cause if I keep it in it will not end well.

I'm also grateful to have friends like Steven and Donny and Randy, and all those guys. I was talking to Lisa the other day about guys and that this guy that Shawn is setting me up with is in recovery as well. Lisa was like "is that a good idea? For two of you guys to get together." Though it somewhat freaks me out, there's a reason that it is a good thing. I mean, there are thoughts that I share with few people and it's much easier to share with them when you've heard them stand up in front of a room and say the exact same thing. I still remember the first time I heard Mandee speak. It was beautiful.

The other lesson of the day is that people will love you until you can love yourself. I'm very thankful that I get to start spreading my love around again. I have to remember to turn some of that inward. I have to remind myself that I am worth something, that people care, that they will help. I made two calls today to Donny and Bobby, guys I've barely known for a few months, to thank them for sticking their necks out for me. I'm very fortunate that they like me and care for me.

Time to make some post-its to put on the mirror. I am worth it. I am a good person. I am strong and beautiful and funny and kind. I am loveable. I am complete.

"Push me off to start the fun On a bike ride to the moon"

The fun continued on Sunday. It was a small writing group but a fun one. When they say "write what you know," they are specifically speaking to me and my ability to not be able to come up with sci-fi ideas. I have not lost sleep over this.

Then I headed up to meet with Justin for a great though scary session. I like analogies and it basically came down to this. I'm riding along on a bike and someone shoves a stick in the spokes and instead of stopping and taking it out, I just try and keep pedaling. For some reason, the stick is comforting and if I focus on the stick being the problem then I don't have to deal with all the other problems.

It's really quite funny how that thought process is exactly the same as it is with problem 1. In order to not think about how I feel career-wise or health-wise or family-wise, I focus so hard core on the one issue that I don't need to focus on. I just have to take the stick out of the wheel and face what's up ahead.

Talking in metaphors is fun though cause Justin's like, "well, what does life without the stick in the wheel look like?" Scary. It looks scary. But full of possibility.

So, that's the goal this week. Everytime I start thinking about the stick, I have to stop and figure out what I'm avoiding thinking about. It's probably chicken and waffles.

After that I ended up having a really long conversation with this guy Chris who Shawn hooked me up with. It was funny to have a great conversation with someone you've never met. The weird thing as I hung up, I realized that I don't know any stats on him. I have no idea how old, how tall, how thin, how black, how whatever he is. This will be an interesting date.

Mandeepants (not Mandy Patinkin as rumored) and I grabbed some mint lemonade and tried to keep cool. Then as we were walking to the meeting, we had a knife pulled on us. Though it sounds scary, it was by a man in a wheelchair, so it was pretty laughable.

Oh, stabby hobo, when will you learn.

"I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd"

Only in Los Angeles can you strike out in 90 degree weather to go snowtubing. But, that's exactly what we did. Lindsay, Dan, Dan's friend Mike and I journeyed to Big Bear this weekend for some good old winter fun. The ride was pretty smooth except that Dan kept trying to kill pedestrians. Wow, that man has a thirst for blood.

The tubing was a great time. You might say, "there's only one way to ride a tube down a mountain." I would tell you that you aren't creative enough. There's the broplow, the hoplow, the hosandwich, the brosandwich, double-decker style. You name it. There was a huge family tubing as well. They kept having these chains of like 20 people go down. It was crazy cause people kept eating it. Lindsay and Mike both took pictures, so you will understand the awesome soon.

After tubing, we hit up the Alpine Slide. I'm a big fan of the slide, though the carts are clearly made for 7 year olds cause my knees were all up in my face. I did beat Mike down the hill though. Success.

We rounded out Big Bear with some bowling and IHOP. Man, sometimes you have to choose sausage or bacon. That night, I chose sausage and bacon. I felt like a queen.

We got home around ten and headed out to "The Woods" for a friend's birthday party. It was a great crowd and fun to sit and talk with folks, but damn, that place should be called "The Swamp." It was an insanely hot weekend, but I was covered in sweat just sitting there. It was like a Russian Bath House. But then you get to grab Mike's pecs and it calms you down a little. Ah, soothing, soothing pecs.

"I ain't got time for the game cause I need you."

It's hand-in-hand with the thrill seeking. I just spent my lunch break learning about patience. I like the rush of things. I like the urgency. But sometimes you just have to sit back and breathe and do nothing.

It's hard cause I always think "there must be something I can do." Something to help someone, to convince someone, to console someone. But, many times there's nothing to be done. You just have to sit and wait.

I hate waiting.